10 Signs They’re Unavailable: Have You Seen This Person?
By the very definition, a soul mate is someone who is willing and available to have a relationship with you. A relationship is a mutually satisfying and respectful friendship where both parties give and take, emotionally. To help steer you straight there are a clear 10 Signs They’re Unavailable below to help you find your soulmate and avoid heartbreak.
If a partner is unavailable, of course, they are not your soul mate at the present time and you owe it to yourself to be strong and move on. This is often quite hard to do.
A confusing part of being attracted to unavailable, commitment-phobic people is that it often feels good. You accept behaviour that you’d never tolerate in friends. Why? Well… Because the payoff is electric chemistry and that part is quite addictive!
Throughout our life we tend to attract – and be attracted to – a certain (similar) kind of person. Everytime. These are people who are familiar to you from your childhood in some way. They are also the people you feel the electric chemistry with and who have, in some way, experienced a similar past to you. Whereas you coped at the time by moving ‘left’, as it were, they went ‘right’. In other words, their way of dealing with what happened to them was opposite to you, although the situation may have been similar.
Your goal is to grow right through the eye of the storm so that in future you are no longer drawn to these people by some invisible force but free to choose a soul mate who can satisfy you in every way.
Change is difficult. You can do a whole lot of personal development work and actually get to the bottom of your own patterns and yet still find yourself sucked into the same old situations. Like all new growth, we need to be gentle with ourselves when we are creating new paths and protect ourselves from ‘the same old’ behaviour, especially when we are in the phase of ‘new growth’.
This electricity can feel incredible and tempting and you may mistake intensity for intimacy. Remember, not all intimacy is created equal. Real intimacy comes from a different, mutual place and not from making compromises you wouldn’t typically consider in order to give the relationship a chance.
Connection or not, stand back and determine if this person is truly available for real intimacy.
Hear this: A soul mate is someone who is ‘at that place’ where they will want to share mutual respect, giving and intimacy with you.
Not everyone you feel a connection with, no matter how mind-blowing, can do that. Sadly they just cannot be your soul mate. You can fall for someone who is totally wrong for you, as unfair and confounding as that reality can be. You need to take a stand and protect the new you. Just as you would stand up for a loved one.
For a relationship to work, a soul connection must be mutual. Even if the intuitive bond you feel is authentic, it can remain unrealized. Perhaps the person can’t, or won’t, reciprocate or is simply oblivious. This is a frustrating irony you must either accept or risk wasting precious months (and often years) trying to overcome. Each of us are on our own journey and sad and unfair as it may be, we must allow them to be in whatever place they choose and move on.
Don’t tread water for unrequited love. Avoid getting entangled in dead-end or delusional relationships where you see someone how you would wish them to be, rather than as they are? Here are some useful red flags to warn you – the more signs you see, the more likely it is they’re unavailable.
10 Signs They’re Unavailable: Have You Seen This Person?
1. They are in a relationship already or possibly even married
2. They have one foot on the gas pedal and one foot on the brake
3. They are emotionally distant, shut down, or can’t deal with conflict
4. They’re mainly interested in sex, not relating emotionally or spiritually
5. They are practicing alcoholics, another substance or sex (or any kind of) addicts
6. They prefer long distance relationships, emails, texting, and don’t introduce you to friends and family
7. They are elusive, sneaky, frequently working or tired, and may disappear for periods
8. They are seductive with you but make empty promises — their behavior and words don’t match
9. They’re narcissistic, only considering themselves, not your needs
10. They throw you emotional crumbs or enticing hints – or promises – of their potential to be loving, and fail to follow through
At first, some of these signs may be more obvious than others. It’s tricky: we tend to show our best selves in the honeymoon stage of a romance. It can take time for a person’s unavailability to ’emerge’ and show up. That’s why it’s eye-opening to look at a partner’s relationship history. Who he or she was previously with often reveals something about their capacity for intimacy. Beware of rationalizing, “I’m different. This person would never be that way with me. I can change them, I know I can…”
However genuinely someone blames their ex for the failure of their previous relationship; chances are that this person played a role too. Being able to admit that role or trying to understand their partner’s reasons for taking such actions is a positive sign. Casting themselves in the victim role is not. I am as stubborn as the next person and have even become firm friends with an ex, heard how impossible a mutual relationship was with this person and still gone ahead!
To find true love, you want to avoid getting involved with anyone who isn’t reciprocating your affections. And more than that, someone with whom you are comfortable; who loves you for who you are; who shares themselves with you as well as listening while you share yourself with them and with whom you are not doing all the work at ‘being there’.
Listen to that little voice deep inside of you. If you don’t feel ‘quite comfortable’, listen and believe in yourself: there is a reason for this voice. True, there is the possibility that your inner self is just trying to steer you away from possible hurt. That ‘survivor’ part of you may well try to steer you clear of commitment. It’s also possible that the situation you’re in is one that you won’t win. Be open to that possibility and try to remain very conscious of exactly what you’re doing.
The stubborn part of you might want to stick it out and make that silk purse – I know myself well enough to be on the alert for that. But the sensible part of you probably accepts that even your life is limited and only so long. Do you want to risk wasting precious time? If you do, or if you have a reason, that’s fine. Don’t pull the wool over your own eyes.
Of course, if you are in a toxic, abusive relationship, please withdraw immediately, even when your passion is strong and screams “stay.” Safety demands that you put yourself first. Get yourself to a place where you are open to a different kind of relationship. Perhaps one with someone you wouldn’t ordinarily be attracted to. This could take several years. And don’t be too surprised if they turn out to be unavailable in some (maybe lesser) way too! Be vigilant. When you are ready, be gentle on yourself and carefully seek out a truly reciprocal relationship.
If your relationship is not reciprocal, the other person may try to convince you that it’s all your fault and not theirs; especially once they realize that you are onto the fact that yours si such a relationship. They probably won’t want to admit that it’s partly their responsibility and they have likely experienced such a relationship before and are both filled with dread (that it’s happening again) and perhaps genuinely convinced that it’s your fault.
If they are at a similar place to you, congratulations!. I strongly recommend that you find a counsellor to guide you both on to dry land.