(Including Relationships With a Friend, Family Member, Work or even Your Government?)
If you answer ‘yes’ to all of these questions but you are happy in your relationship, that’s OK?! It really is… Your relationship may well be abusive but, at this point in time, it’s obviously making you happy and so it’s perfectly OK with you. In that case – and it is often the case at the beginning – do nothing. But be aware. Be conscious of what’s happening. Perhaps even explore just a little?
Always be aware: in every relationship and in everything you do. Curiosity and awareness are huge and instinct often guides us in the right direction if we stay open to them.
On the other hand, if you are not happy – and you answer ‘yes’ to at least 9 of these questions – consider that you may be in a toxic, abusive relationship. The only answer, however sad, may well be to make changes!
Babies are narcissistic. As we grow, we learn to be considerate and compassionate of others. In a perfect world! Sadly though, life often includes various traumas and experiences that can stunt that growth. I love NVC that firmly believes that everyone always does their best… Their ‘best’ may suck! But for whatever reason, for right now it’s the best they can do.
Today we are very conscious of narcissism and keeping ourselves safe from it. I think that much of the narcissism we encounter is ‘benign’ and we can either avoid these situations – and people. Or with the help of a counsellor, we can invite change. Obviously this does not cover the small percentage of malignant narcissists that deliberately set out to hurt you, simply to address their own needs.
As with everything, compromise is key. I don’t think it is reasonable to completely change a narcissistic, anti-social person (or organization) but with work it may be possible to get them to change some of their behaviors and make life more comfortable. Meanwhile you may need to adjust your own boundaries to ensure that your own needs are fully met . Perhaps consider also that, somehow, in your own past you may have learned to accommodate narcissistic behaviour well and so be attractive to the narcissist.
Learning what your own blueprint of needs looks like and mulling over which are the most important needs for you is vital and a counsellor will be able to do this work with you. Journalling also helps a great deal. Insight comes from constant vigilance and knowing yourself really well.
The same applies to all the relationships in your life, including romantic relationships, that with your boss, a friend, your sports team or any other relationship… Including the relationship with your government. There is always the choice to compromise. Discuss. Listen and be heard. Or to distance ourselves and even leave.
Almost all of these relationships will have started out well. Often unusually well or even ‘to good to be true’. This is a hallnark of the narcissist. Abusers are great manipulators and often skillful – they may have had to do this during their childhood in order to survive. The roots of our own ‘enabling’ behaviour may well come from childhood too, ensuring our earlier survival. This makes us attractive to the abuser. Someone without that ‘skill’ may not even give them the time of day! . I believe that if we explore and understand our reactions, emotions and history, our brain will automatically correct the course of our behaviours. A bit like re-booting a computer! Sometimes that change will happen after one large, ‘aha’ moment but sometimes it happens so slowly we can hardly appreciate the change. Much of this will depend on the benefits your mind sees resulting from your enabling actions. The brain and our bodies possess, I believe, an intelligence all of their own and quite apart from ‘us’.
Slowly the relationship with a narcissist will deteriorate. Sometimes quickly. Sometimes slowly. Often life becomes one great big calamity. Drama! It may take a while for you to wake up and see the wood for the trees and your friends, who are not quite so invested as you, will often see the relationship more clearly. It’s a good idea to introduce any new friend to your close friends (or family) and watch their reactions and, maybe, consider their opinions.
If You Find Yourself In a Bind, How Should You Proceed?
In every situation, find some good counselling so that you can thoroughly explore this relationship and the effect on you. Explore explore explore! I can’t stress that enough. Talking ‘out loud’ with another person uses a different part of your brain. Step by step, you will see more clearly. Always.
We all deserve to be happy. All of us: good and ‘bad’ (whatever that looks like?!) I’m a woman so I have written this from a female perspective but exactly the same apples to both sexes: women can be abusers too. People of all colours, regardless of any circumstance or status, can be on this continuum. Any religion. Don’t feel in a rush to explore. Take your time and then decide what you need to do in order for you to be happy. How do you need to do this? Do you even want to make a change? You may well choose to see if you can ‘alter’ some of your (perhaps both of your) behaviours in order to make your life more comfortable. This whole process may take quite a while and a good counsellor will help enormously.
Are you in a marriage with children? Chances are that they have already learned from and been affected by your marriage and change together, with them and in front of them, may be good. And children often love their parents, whoever and whatever they are. However, you may want to separate temporarily while you work independently especially if there is any physical violence. It may be possible to reunite at a later date – and in fact I always hope for reconcile for my clients.
Consider too that only if you push for changes – or even leave your partner – will they have the opportunity to acknowledge and consider the chance to work on their own issues. If you stay – perhaps at an emotional cost to yourself – you rob them of their chance to grow and change and face significant aspects of their own lives. Many – if not most – abusers (and abused…) were themselves abused as children. Everyone has the right to live an authentic and happy life.
When the abuse is tyranny – organizational, institutional or government abuse of some of its people – that is a very scary situation. A separate article explores this phenomena and I encourage you to go there. In the meantime, finding a like-mind to your own – or even a group of like-minds – helps enormously. Being alone is terrible. Feeling lonely and helpless is, I believe, the very worst thing. There is always an answer! And that answer may turn out to be a godsend.
Most important – in all circumstances – is to dial back and look at your situation in the context of weeks, months or even years. At the moment, or at first glance, it may look panicked and desperate and ‘right now’. Time really does heal all wounds… Which is an infuriating thing that well-meaning people often say! However… Rarely is anything quite as desperate as it seems at the time. Like every other trauma, it is unfair. A shock. Sudden. Unexpected. Very alarming. Terrifying.
You will survive.
Consider going to a local group. Or a local rally! Listen to other people’s stories. Explore what is going on.. You will find acceptance, friendly faces and lots of useful data and information. You are doing something – exploring – and that is the greatest of help. Make sure that you consciously acknowledge what you are doing.
One step at a time.
First, The Questionnaire.
Ask yourself These Questions: Does He, She or They…
- Make it uncomfortable if you go out without permission? (Yes. Again, at the beginning, this can even seem “caring” and for a short time could have been reasonable.)
- Tell you what to wear? (You must wear this veil… Or wear high necklines and below-knee hems…)
- Monitor your phone and emails? (Yes. To begin with unnoticeable or even caring but there is escalation over time.)
- Control your finances? (Yes. Again to begin with seems kind and generous but ends up with you, somehow, being unable to afford to live.)
- Control what you read, watch and say? (Yes. To begin with I didn’t realize that there was any news other than what I was told. Bit by bit I realized ‘there was more’. Then comes censorship… For a while I worked for the Red Cross, holding workshops in schools about abuse. I would have to watch carefully for the child with the ‘deer in the headlights’ look in their eyes as they realized that everything they had believed was – perhaps – wrong…
- Monitor everything you do? (You are told it’s ‘for your own good’. And certainly to begin with, that could be true… But, surely, as an adult…)
- Punish you for breaking rules, even petty rules – and somehow, for a while, you believe that you deserved this punishment…
- But the rules keep changing? (This is textbook abuse and as with every type of abusive relationship, this escalates. The idea is to keep you off balance. Always feeling behind and slightly ‘in shock’ and breathless)
- Tell you that the abuse is for your own good – or the good of others… (Somehow, for a while, you even feel ‘grateful’… How on earth could that be? Slowly, you realize. There is never a legitimate reason to hurt – verbally, physically or emotionally – someone else.
- Pretend to know better than you – despite any data you might have? (You are inferior. You don’t know as well. They are just doing this for you. At least be grateful )
- Ignores you and forbids you to question? (If you ask a reasonable question, you are ignored and not treated with respect. Every human – and animal? – deserves respect.)
- Tells you that you’re crazy and no one agrees with you? ( For a year I followed ‘the rules’ – Now that I am questioning them, I have been told that I am selfish and insulting…)
- Calls you names and shames you? (By now, my self esteem is low and they heap on the insults and shame.)
- Gaslights you, attempting to change your memory of events? (I try and calmly explain but whatever I say and however I say it, history is rewritten and I am always ‘wrong’. Even when I’m right. I cry myself to sleep.)
- Plays the victim when things go wrong? (They can’t deal with our ‘nonsense’ right now – because of a migraine or some other illness. They are so patient… Despite you causing them such heart or head aches…)
If you answer ‘yes’ to at least 9 of these questions, it is very likely that you are in an abusive, toxic relationship… With your partner or a friend (or in the government or institution you are part of).
Find a good counsellor.
Explore 3 parts:
- the here and now,
- the history
- and the possible future. Take a deep breath. Make your moves with caution and courage. Good luck!