Good parenting today is even more crucial than it was in the past because school values, our economy – our whole world – is going through a drastic metamorphosis. We can no longer trust that our local communities will share enough of our own values to guide our children.
Courtesy of the internet and social media – unsocial media? – information (true and mis) global trends and values swamp our children. They are drowning. Many years ago in advertising it was accepted that the human brain could only take in so much new information a day. Now there are unlimited facts and bytes flying at us from all directions, all vying for our attention.
It has become a parenting nightmare because this information swamp is on the heels of parents being persuaded that a parent – or both – could work and leave the childcare – parenting – to daycares and schools. So now we have situations where either both parents work very full time or there is only one parent – so no-one to give you the odd hour off. And dependent on government help and perhaps still working. In truth the government cannot possibly cope or be trusted to remain unbiased.
Kids are running wild because their delicate brains can only take in so much information and they are drowning in whatever information has the most money and sophisticated marketing behind it. Rather than that information that has been vetted and trusted over time by their own family, community and culture.
What do children need to grow strong and straight? Children need a rock-solid foundation for their life. Anything less and they will find themselves pushed off kilter and prey to the morally bankrupt, money-hungry or gangs. (A gang is really just a family, which every child instinctively is attracted to with rules and ‘parents’). What does a rock-solid foundation look like?
Children desperately need a sense of belonging. They need to feel loved in every moment. They need to feel competent and able to trust in themselves (which comes from trusting their primary caregiver). They need emotional resilience: confident that even if their stomach is in knots with emotion, that feeling will pass and they are safe. That feeling of confidence is absorbed from their primary caregiver who needs, in turn, to exude calm confidence. If you don’t provide for these needs and give them your full attention, along with firm boundaries, a gang, splinter social group or drugs will try and hijack your child.
What can we, as parents, do? Get off the merry-go-round. You’re right: it’s not merry.
You’re right: our country’s economy is confusing. You’re right: spending hours every day watching distracting videos about kittens is not a good use of your time. You’re right: being connected to absolutely everyone, everywhere in the world, every minute of the day through social media through the internet, is unnecessary. Have faith in yourself and your own instincts.
Get to know yourself… Every human on this earth is woven of a rich fabric of needs. We must explore what those needs are – and meet them – in order to know ourselves. And to be happy. The rub is that it is the parent’s #1 job to teach this to their children: that they are composed of these needs and learn how to fill them… Your family way.
There are many ways to crack an egg and it’s vital – and so necessary, reassuring and comforting – for your child to know how to address every need and scratch every itch. Chances are that you were a child who grew up without sufficient guidance and you need to know yourself better – and how to do this – before you can teach your child who they are and how you would like them to act.
Malcolm X said “Only a fool would let his enemies teach his children’ Hold your children close. Take a deep breath. It is said that one of the most important traits for any human is self-confidence and self-trust and this is built from longstanding confidence and trust in your primary caregiver(s). Be 100% reliable and trustworthy to your child. Be attentive and behind them 100% of the time. Not easy when you also have to work and live your own life. Yes it may require sacrifice on your part. It will require sacrifice. This is what being a parent is about. Don’t be a parent unless and until you are ready to do this.
Put your phone away for much of the time. Live your life. Build your own self-confidence by practicing the following values over and over. Spend time with your children. Get to really know them: they are unique little people, right from birth. Let your children swim in your confidence and calmness – (which you may well need to grow yourself).
Revisit and explore these 8 old-fashioned values – build up to practicing all of them at the same time: Most of all, stop following the crowd and start to question each and every habit you have. Or don’t have and ‘should’. (Yikes… I hate the word ‘should’) Step off the beaten path and beat your own.
1. Loyalty
Loyalty to one’s family and community is number one: whatever happens. (Honesty here is also important: you may have family members you need to hold at a distance and talking about this with your children is a must. Transparency is a must, not silence) Loyalty to those you love should have a strong influence on your choices. Family and community are the foundations of a healthy society.
Let your children learn to count on you. Always. Whatever happens. Abstract values of justice and fairness matter but we must be bound by our commitments to each other.
2. Hard Work
More and more people are looking for easy ways to make a living or strike it rich. It seems like people respect success and power no matter how it’s obtained. Honesty and hard work matters because it points to deeper character traits like persistence, grit, and determination that will never go out of style.
Those children who have worked hard – whatever happens – will succeed and live and enjoy long lives. Those who do not work hard now will likely pay for these few years with decades of hardship.
3. Frugality (Reality)
A frugal society is less fragile than one pushing the envelope of consumerism as far as it goes. Frugal people accept that money alone doesn’t buy happiness.
Teach your children to be kind and frugal: whatever happens. Responsible emotionally and with money.
4. Respect for Elders
The young adapt quicker and often come up with new ideas. However, older people hold the great gifts of wisdom, experience, perspective and good judgment. Mostly they are willing to share what they’ve learned and this contribution is essential to successful society.
Let your children see you respect your elders – whatever happens – and they in turn will learn to respect you.
5. Integrity
Balance. ‘The whole’. The journey – how – you ‘get there’ is important. Do the ends justify the means? No. Not in the long term. Honesty and living by a clear set of values lay the foundation of the trust that a thriving society is built on.
More importantly your children NEED to see integrity modelled by their parents and family. Whatever happens
6. Modesty
Humility, as well as self-promotion and believing in yourself, is an underrated trait in today’s world. Be kind towards one another—not always seeking to outdo—but rather raising each other up.
Parenting requires quiet modesty and kindness, whatever happens.
7. Patience
Real relationships take patience to grow, as do many character traits, unlike instantly ‘friending’ someone online. The most important things in life require time and long-term care.
Being a parent requires patience above all things. Patience and persistence: whatever happens.
8. Manners
My father used to say “manners maketh man” (and woman). Good manners add an element of grace to everyday life and elevate both casual and formal relationships. Manners are a simple way to show respect – especially to those we love.
My dad also taught me that ‘familiarity breeds contempt” and it’s sad that sometimes we behave with good manners to strangers but not to those we love?
Remember to behave decently and with kindness – especiallyto those you love – in all that you do.
Whatever happens – no excuses. None.
Love (yourself and your family) unconditionally. If you need, pick yourself up and try again.